man in the mirror

I think I may have little-man syndrome --a constant feeling that I'm destine for something more extraordinary than others, something more special, something that many Vietnamese American haven't achieved. Something other than medical doctor, engineer, nails stuffs, and....well, that's pretty much it. That's pretty much career choices I can have as an immigrant, and I'm very sicked of it. I want a break through and do something more profound, something more enjoyable. But looking at myself in the mirror, I don't see anything special about me, nor any talent that I have; I only see "a tiny asian nerd" as Jlo use to refer to me on her blog :/

I don't know. If any change I want to make, now is the good time because my dad just have been approved for some disability benefit. I don't think it worths much, but at least enough for him to live at the bare-nessity level. I used to count on my brother, thought that once he's done with school, he will move back home and help me taking care of my parents so I can continue my education. But I have learned that my destiny is within my own hands, never count on anyone because it will be a total disappointment.

ADHD part 2

So medicine journals has confirmed, ADHD is a genetic link disorder. With that in mind, my mind starting to wander about Q .... nahhhhhhh hom nay la`m bie'n viet blog wa', mai mot viet tiep :D
(to be continued)

Devirginizing

....that's not even a proper word, but in MM's self define dictionary, it means the process of letting someone into my life and taking away the virginess, also the moment I laying the first women in my life lol. And yet, as of today September 16 of 2010, that moment has not yet to come...shyt!!
I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. People at my age usually have a family, wife, kids, mortgage, loans, STDs,...or anything that make life more colorful and complicated I guess. But for me, life is very simple at the moment. I guess I should blame on myself for not being more socialize I guess. I guess if I have more friends, and friends of my friends, and the whole "networking" kind of life, would that make life more interesting?
I'm having a thought, a bad thought :(
Well, I'm planning to move away, into the big city with all the busy-ness of life. It will be tough because not only I have to support myself, but I also have to support my parents as well. I'm planning of getting 2 jobs if I have to. Along with that, I have to learn my way through the acting crafts. That's a suicidal mission cuz my chance of become a well-known actor is less than winning the lottery...but I will take that chance soon.
But before I go, I want to ask my friend if she can devirginize me first hahaa. I don't know wtf is wrong, but I just feel like a 16 years old boy all the time. Maybe I'm gay or something, shyt, I hope not. But I really want to have an intimate relationship now. I know it sounds really cheesy and corny, but I want to make love, not just raw sex; and I don't feel comfortable with strangers that I meet at the clubs, or bars, or online dating... I only feel comfortable around people I known for a long time; someone I trusted and attracted to. Currently, there is only 1 friend of mine that I can imagine I will make love to, but she already has a bf :( . Making love is more than just sex; it's sex with passion, care, and connection of 2 people through body and soul. Shyt! maybe my concept of making luv is too high; maybe I should hire a hooker and get it over with :/
...anyway, I think I will take the chance and ask her before I leave, despite the fact it will make me a total pig. I wish someone can relate to how I feel right now :(

the lost words

Not in a stubborn way, but I think faith is something vital to our life. It's a principle that we should stick to, no matters what life treating us, never loose faith. Otherwise it wouldn't be called "faith" any more...
I have a friend who I haven't met for 3 years. He used to be my best friend in college. I thought he would be a doctor by now because he was very determined person. But after several years of absent, now he's losing faith in school and become a different person. He cares more about social trend and exotic stuffs now rather than focusing on school. I don't blame him; I guess it's just the matter of balancing between school and social life, and apparently, he didn't do a good job on that.
I don't know. I guess changing is good, especially with the rapid changes in society today. But still, principle are principle and it shouldn't be changed. Same thing go with love and relationships. Being broken hearted once doesn't mean it will happen again; or what the hell, if it does happen again then move on a start it over. The key here is never loose faith in love and the true ascent of love; just have to find someone with the same faith and believes...

I think I will need lots of time to learn this song, and fixing some Vietnamese lyrics of this song. I amazed how a pured romantic love song like this can be translated in to Vietnamese with totally different meaning, which isn't pure anymore

A time for us (Piano cover)

I recently found a program called Pianoteq, which allow me to connect my piano to my laptop directly and producing a crystal clear recording sound WohOooo! what a fantastic program!!
Enjoy my new song :)

nothing to lose

It is a shame to admit that I don't have many close friends. The only close friend I have is my former coworker, who has totally different hobbies and point of views about life/society, but somehow we manage to get along very well. I also have two to three other friends that I hang out with sometimes, but they are females so I alway try to keep a distance so that there's no feelings involve between us because I like to have a line between friendships and romances ...Anyway, sometimes I wonder if is there any social issues with me. I tend to afraid to have a close intimate relationship, not only with friends, but also with family. I usually don't like to show affection to anyone, not because I am mean/evil/jerk/a$$hole or anything, but because I afraid of saying goodbye. Because of my plan for school/career, I will eventually move far away someday, I don't like to be sad or making others sad when I'm leaving...and the only way to prevent that is not to be intimately involved.
But my loneliness is killing me! I'm so desperated for love; my arms are hungry for a warm hug; my lips are thirsty for some passion kisses; my other thing is horny LOL jk :D ...Quynh seems to be a very nice girl; she's 4 years younger than me. I really want to "cua" her lol but knowing that I will eventually move, it makes me sad cuz I don't want to break her heart, or mine neither. Moving to where?? wtf am I kidding, idk where am I moving to either. Maybe I should drop the plan and accept what I have now live with it. Or maybe not having any intimate relationship at the moment is a good time to move away ....I'm clueless :(

P.S. A new piano song that I'm learning is coming soon: A time for us (slow version) :D

love is blue, or love is blind?

Love is a beautiful thang, I supposed, for those who is in love and being loved. But among those, only few of them are actually pure love and unconditionalled love. The rest are just pure...(idk, parasites love?)...or the kinda of love that exchanging for something in return, or using each other, or i don't know what the hell reasons are behind it...

I'm talking about my brother. Every-since he found his so called lover, he isn't the same as before. Well, lets start with the good things; he seems less grouchy than before, and seem to be happier than before. But that's it. The bad thing is, he seem more stupid than before :O Even though I don't have exact proof that his gf is using him, but I know she just want to find a decent nice guy to be with so she can stay in the US because she's an international student who desperate for a greencard to stay here. My parents, whose oppose that idea, turn out to be bad people in my brother's eyes. My aunt, who introduced him to his gf, turn out to be a god mother in his eyes. He would kiss her a$$ and do anything my aunt ask him to do, as if she is his beloved mother. I don't know when will he realize that he's being used by those women; maybe never because it's so smooth and he will not realize it at all. Like the old slang used to say "Thuong nhau cho goi cho vot, ghet nhau cho mat cho dung"
I hope my instinct is wrong :(