Emotion is non-logical process

...what the fuck!
I don't understand! maybe it's something not for understanding purpose. I have that anxiety, again! Let's start from the beginning...

I have been entering in business for a while now, almost a year. Been partnering with a more experience broker. She is fairly young, well, 8 years older than me, has 2 kids. Her husband is absence oversea for some legal issue. For that very reason, I always trying to keep a distance from her, physically and emotionally. We never touch, never joking or flirting around. Sometimes thought, I feel her pain and sorrow. Single mom, taking care 2 kids, supporting the whole family and husband oversea. I think sometimes she feel lost and relying on religious to keep her spirit strong. Especially in the business field, that not an easy task. Occasionally, I try to inspire her by giving her recognition.

But lately, something may happen... but anyhow, not my business...

I'm standing on the sideline, as a third person, observing as a movies unfold.  But one thing I don't understand... why am I having a rush of anxiety, hotflush, and emotionally about it. Whatever happening is none of my business. but I can't focus. I feel worry, nervous, uneasy and my thoughts wandering. I think, I am jealousing... WHY?
Right now, as I am thinking more about it, I'm more confused. Perhaps, it's nothing but the FEAR OF LOST. Maybe that's it!! It is not feelings or any of those fairy tale stuffs, just a psychological behavior associated to FEAR OF LOST, wooohoo! mystery solved .......i think

million-dollars smile!

how could i ever describe her million-dollars smile?
...it's a miracle, it's warm, it's sincere, it's uplifting, it's a big beautiful sparkling smile that jumpstart my heart. BEATING BEATING FASTER FAST...

Oh wow, it's been a while since i visit my little cheesy blog :D
All this real estate career thing has turned me into a robot of making logical decision. Yup, there are 2 kind of decisions: logical decision and emotional decision. Most business are logical decision, because it aims toward productivity and profit.
But today, after interacting with her, a sensation of "zero" time and space ...HAVE YOU ever experience that feeling??? the feeling of worry-less, no concern of the past, no thinking of the future, all it matter is that very moment :)

Must admit, I am sexually attracted to busty women. What do I mean by busty women? women with nice hip, round ass, big breast, big lips...like a pornstar (got the picture now?) lol but that sexual hard-on sensation go away after ejaculation. I mean literally.
But the "zero" gravity sensation from a million-dollars smile, OMG it lasts for dayssss

I miss your smile,
Oh my mind,
Just wonder why,
million-dollars smile,
let it shines,
maybe next time,
I'll ask you... to be mine!

THERE IS NO MEANING OF LIFE ...

For such a long time, the question (or idea) of meaning/purpose of life had stuck in my mind. It's like a herpes virus; it doesn't go away; it may disappear or forgotten for a while, but then it would come back, more vigorously, then go away, and then coming back when I'm weak, drowning and drowning in negative emotion... and there it is, again, the same old pattern of thinking. Like a nightmare, it haunted me. Like a cloud, hanging over my head that fogging my thoughts and judgement. ...WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE? why are we here on Earth? why am I who I am but not someones else? Where is the manual for my life? ...(now that last question is kinda nerdy, but it kinda hit the spot :D )

There is no fucking meaning of life. There is no manual for one's life. I mean if there is a manual for my life, then I'm a robot, not human. AND I'm a human being! Life is what I am creating. My purpose of life is what I'm creating. Now, think about it. If you are running around, chasing after your own shadow, will you catch it? I don't think so.  Instead, turn around and start walking, your shadow will follow you. Ok, that analogy is kinda dump and stupid. But how about this, life is like walking on the beach. Every footstep that you take, you are leaving a footprint behind. That's it! Life is a collection of footprints. Maybe we are alien sent to earth to collection infos. Everyone create their own collection of footprints of possibilities and then report them to gods when we go to heaven. It doesn't matter. ALL it matters is I am creating meaning of my life. Actions speak louder than words. It's time to take actions and stop asking about stupid questions that others planted in our head. Peace!

Weakness

It is ashamed to admit that I'm a weak person. SInce this is a cheesy blog, i'm just focusing on the cheesy topic of emotion. It has been 20 days since the day of the outbreak. The after affect is still resounding, but it's quickly fading away. Honestly, I developed some sort of anxiety every since, but it is getting better. This is the second major heart broken experience since J-lo experience 8 years ago. OMG! but the main thing is i'm learning from my mistake and improving in the years to come ;)

Pro:
- It is an early rejection, meaning i'm not too drown into it yet
- The recovery time is much shorter than last time
- See things and understand it more fully this time
- Know myself better and know what I want
- Shaved my head and it feels great :D
- Intuition is always right, sometimes it just has not happen yet

Con:
- Bad timing because of too many tasks, career, family
- Invested too much in my head
- Not man enough to face my truth desire
- Need to be more assertive
- Not socially intelligent
- Did not seize the moment
- Early gift is a wasted of time and money
- Too logical, too deep

Wohoo! I let it out of my system. What a relieve!

Poor girl

I am writing on my own experience, or my life as you will. It's about someone I like. She is young and beautiful, as a flower. And this flower is about to be stepped on by others, an older man to be exact :/
Seeing it under my nose, an married 40 years old man, flirting with 22 years old girl. Why older man? because they are older and full of experience. What experience you may ask... attracting naive young girls. The process are simple: attraction (smile, jokes), rapport (telling stories, share interest), seduction (using emotional words, sexual flirtation), comfort (false promises, private places)

It makes me sad, when seeing someones to fall for such obvious trap. And the future of an broken family is about to erupt. Perhaps I'm not in the 40s so I don't know. Perhaps after married for a while, people lost interest and hungry for cheating and affairs. Perhaps I will be there at that position one day :( ....only the victims are, those innocent children who involved ...involuntarily :/

LIFE

unpurity?

Does love usually go together with jealousy? when you seeing someone you like being happy with someone else, your heart start beating faster, thrusting anger to your head, then following by sadness... jealousy, is that love? does love guarantee ownership? when we love someone, do we have to own their body and soul? why seeing someone happy make us sad if we are not the one providing the happiness? is it not love then? what is it? what the fuck is love? is love measurable? does love last over time? is love logical? or is it just a by-product of infatuation?  does love come and go? is jealousy a bad thing? who define "bad"? ...shit i hate emotion, better to be a monk :/

Fade within time...

Time is the best bleaching ingredient of the mind. How long does it take, is depend on each person. I guest faithful person take longer time, and unfaithful person take shorter. I guess I belong to the faithful kind, or stubborness  :)
I wonder how long will she wait for me; or is she even waiting for me lol. I can't really tell. I should named this blog "Phone anxiety part 2" because if I ever make the phone call, every question would have been answered.