my sin

I really hate it when buddism call something is a sin but never really explain why it is considerred a sin. I guess it's up to ourself to figure it out, rather than depending on the bible as a dictionary of sinful stuffs. Through out my whole life I think I don't have many sins to worry about. Little that I know, I commited a sin since I was 15 :( ...SEX, it's all about sex. Since the dawn of time, to the modern time, many problems were originated from sex. Sex is everywhere, internet, magazine, movies, clubs bars, literature, history...and I was exposed to sexual contents on cables tv at the age of 15. Not only that, I ripped off some pages of Playboy megazine and stole it from my cousin OMG. I guess I was young and stupid (I'm still young and stupid lol) couldn't control myself. Plus, it was forbidden and I love the unforbidden the forbidden lol. I don't have enough evidences to relate watching porno to my shy behavior; but I can tell that they are close related as a cause and effect :(. I guess it makes me shy and flushed to be around girls because all the dirty things I seen, even when I was with the girl of my dream, who I really care and adored. But couldn't be with her, my world was falling apart; no more interested in school, no more future, no more luv, no more anything, nothing is matter without her...but now, when reality strike, I need to take care of my parents. I need to provide everything they need; I want to have them experience a luxurious life while it last; want to make them proud...but I'm still not be able to accomplish :(

These are sensitive thoughts that I've never told anyone. I wish there's someone who I can open up and tell everything without worrying about making myself look bad or imperfect; with no judgment; only with understanding, comforts, soft and gentle to hold on tight to feel each other's heart beats ~_~

(ok, it's time for my late night porno again) lol jk :D