More than life

I feel weird lately; feel like I'm being left out of the fast lane of life; feel sick about people, feel disgusted; fee like the older people get, the dirtier they are. When people were a little kids, they will play with any toys they like, play with any kids there were surrounded, but the older they get, the more picky they are. They only play with certain that seem "cool" and to be cool, playing with drugs, sex, love, races, clubs, swing club, money, being fake, materialistic, social classes...I feel left out because I don't belong to any of them. I feel like I belong to an ideal humanity world which only exist in novels and movies; feel like I want to have a fantasy life by joining a motion picture, but there are too much to sacrifices and risks :(

Not the One

I haven't been on a date for years... (omg, I've been jacking off for too long lol)
Anyway, my recent hanging-out was considered and good date. I took her out to watch a scary movies becuz my instinct was telling me "Take her to a scary movies so you can lent her your shoulder to lean on" lol ...is that considered cheating? lol No I don't think so. I just wanted to create a chance for us to be close together, to be more physically attatched to each other and break away all the shyness.

Anyhow, it went pretty well. But then, it still doesn't feel right; it doesn't feel as happy as it supposed to be; it doesn't make me smile when I think about her; it doesn't feel like the weird feelings that I used to have...feel like it's NOT the One :(

Baby Daddy

Literally, everyone I know, are having babies. My oldest friend (29) is pregnant and having her third child, while she doesn't have a job and her husband is an alcoholic and an abuser...My friend from school is having her first child, while she is still struggling with school, and working part-time with minimum paid job...My friend/co-worker who I know for about a year, is excited that his gf didn't pass the pregnancy test and that he is going to be a daddy, while he is just working with a low-paying job like I do ...lol

I'm sad now cuz I want to be a daddy too...lol I just feel like being left behind in the process of "life". But at the same time I'm glad; thanks Gods I'm not a daddy yet. Omfg! what the hell are these people thinking? Why the hell are they having babies when they don't have a stable life? stable income? stable relationship? stable place to live? It's a new life, a new creation we are talking about, not just a product of two heterosexual people who kiss kiss bang bang carelessly without condoms. I guess people never think about the future, never care about what worst things can happen in the long run, never prepare for their offspring ...and they seem to have a happier life than me who keep planning too much for the future :(

24

Hai mươi bốn năm đã trôi qua, từ ngày tôi sinh ra và lớn lên trên miền đồng bằng sông Cửu Long. Hình ảnh quê hương cứ pop-up trong tâm trí tôi, cũng như những cơn chiêm bao cứ hiện về những hình ảnh của thời thơ ấu; căn nhà xưa, khu vườn cũ, sân chơi, mái trường, những đứa bạn thân... cứ vẫn xuất hiện trong chiêm bao như một tiềm thức không bao giờ quên được mặt giầu tôi không bao giờ vấn vương hay suy nghĩ về những kỷ niệm đó...not at all.

Chỉ có một câu truyện lúc còn bé tôi đã tường đọc, mà bây giờ tôi vẫn nhớ và luôn luôn nhớ mãi, even lúc không chiêm bao. Đó là mẫu truyện Nhị Thập Tứ Hiếu mà tui đã đọc a very long time ago, so long that I don't even remember how old I was when I read it. Hai mươi bốn câu truyện của 24 người con có hiếu...người thì nếm phân định bậnh cho cha, người thì khóc đến khi măng mọc cho mẹ, người thì lóc thịt nấu cháo, người thì...(lâu thấy mẹ rồi ai mà nhớ cho hết hehe)... anyway, tôi ngẫm nghĩ mà thấy stupid bởi gì đó chỉ là những mẫu truyện mà người đời đặc ra để răng dạy con nít. Chẳng có câu truyện nào là reality để mà có thể làm theo được. Nhưng tôi vẫn cứ nghĩ đi và nghĩ lại, trong 24 mẫu truyện đó, chỉ có một mẫu truyện rất là thực tế và có thể làm được. Đó là câu truyện của một ông lão 65 tuổi, đã 65 tuổi mà lão vẫn cứ đùa giỡn như là trẻ con trước mặt người mẹ già của lão, để làm bà ta cười bởi vì "một nụ cười bằng mười viên thuốc bổ". Vì thế nên bà ta sống rất lâu và khỏe mạnh. Cũng từ đó mà tôi vẫn luôn luôn có ý nghĩ là tôi sẽ trở thành một "Nhị Thập Ngũ Hiếu" ...( ngũ là 5, không phải ngũ là ngủ ngày đâu, mặt dzầu mình hay ngủ ngày thiệt haha)



Cho đến nay, tôi vẫn thường đùa giỡn như con nít để làm my parents laugh. Nhưng mà truyện ngụ ngôn cũng chỉ là ngụ ngôn mả thôi, không phải là hiện thực...trừ khi có kỳ tích xuất hiện. Nụ cười sẽ không làm mất đi căn bệnh suy tim mà ba tôi đang có, chỉ có một ngày một nặng thêm mà thôi. Có lẽ nếu tôi chú tâm hơn về sự nghiệp, và không mãi rong chơi như trẻ con, thì chắc bây giờ tôi đã dư khả năng để đưa ba tôi di giải phẩu sớm hơm. But no, still a bum ...at 24! :(

The "real" me

When I look at you, I can see thruough you;
when I listen you, I can understand you;
when I smell you, I can scent you;
when I touch you, I can feel you;
and when I lick you, I can taste you...put it all together, I can understand all about you, or at least 99% about you, but sometimes I feel like I know nothing about myself :(

Sometimes I wonder who am I? Am I a jerk or not a jerk? am I being nice and polited everyday is because it's who I am or just a fake front that I put on myself as a what has been defined as "good" by the society?... Do I really like working in the healthcare industry because I really care about people health, or just to make money and stable income? Have I ever really loved any one for unconditional reasons, or just because they brought benefits to my life? Have I ever have a real passion, or just something I would like to do because of a better outlook? Have I ever fall in love, or it was just a missed opportunity that I just want to go back in time a grasp it? Have I ever love a girl, or it's just a hormone thing which make me horny and craving for sex? I need to be drunk or something to see myself :(
When I thing about life, what is life, or what is the purpose of life and stuffs, I often get lost and fallen asleep. Think Minh, think!
(làm gì thì làm, đi ngủ rồi mai tính ^_^)

There's something about J-lo

So I watched an old comedy movies today called “There’s Something About Mary" (1998)

I'm not a big fan of Ben Stiller's movies, but this movies was kinda ironicly funny. The guy in the movies had a crush on a girl since high school prom. He never met her again for 13 years, but he still keep thinking of her every day. He hired a spy to stalk on her, then the spy started having obsession about her, then it turned out there are couple more guys having absession about her. They all have one thing in common; they are all stalkers lol.

It's funny because I'm a stalker too lol, a harmless one of course :)

Every since I had the obsession for Jen(J-lo) couple years ago (5 years to be exact), I keep thinking about her every minute, every second, every day. I don't know what I think, but I just think. Think about some happy memories, happy moments, think about her cute smile, shiny eyes, fuzzy hair, or even about acne on her face lol...then back reality, wonder what is she doing? How is her architect school? Whom is she with? Is she happy? How would it be now if I had make a move 5 years ago? Who will bring more happiness to her? me or him? ...somehow, I got a feeling that she is being with her current bf just to avoid other guys hitting on her because the guy is a pure Christian guy who commits never have sex until he married. I wonder if she really like him, or she just waiting for someone... someone who gave her some chocolate and Christmas card to make her happy :) someone whom starred at each other eyes until the door slowly shutted.

Movies is a big fat liar compare to reality. Every movies has a happy ending, no matter how long they wait for each others. But in reality, every day of missing someone is a cloudy day, full of sorrow and sadness. 1825days=43800hrs=2628000 minutes of day-dreaming lol. Maybe I just Email her (liftmy...@) and tell her hahaha...yeh no, getting email from someone who haven't talked to for 5 years in a little creepy, isn't it? lol

looking ahead

No matter what I do, I usually have a picture or vision of whatever i'm doing, and what the result is going to be...but somehow, I can't see anything when it comes to my future. Everything just goes blank in my mind, like walking in the dark with no flash light. I don't know what will come tomorrow, and I don't want to know. The biggest challenge I'm facing right now is my family health. As of today, my dad is not feeling well again. He felt weak, swelling, and worry about his heart failure is coming back like it happened last year, which rushed him to the ER room, and cost a fortune since none of us have health insurance :(
It's a dominoes effect. My dad's problem makes my mom worry, and also make me worry, and my brother worries even though he seems to be cold, but I know deep down inside my brother is very emotional person even though he never show it or say it. I'm glad hat my brother has been accepted to LB university. But I'm a little worry that nursing is not a good major that fit his personality. But that is what he "thinks" gonna work for him so I respect that. Hopefully he can go through with school soon and help me out taking care of my parents, both physical and financial, because i'm a little tired as of everything is put on my shoulder. I thinking of getting a full time job right now to make my family expense a little more comfortable. I'm currently working semi-full time and it seems to be a little tight financially. But if I start working full time, I will have to throw away my school, which I'm not really what I want/can do beside pharmacy anyway...
Beside of throwing away school, I will also throw away the chance of meeting my soul mate at school ^_^ because I always have a feeling that I will meet my gf at school, as I met Jlo...aw good old Jlo, I always love Jlo, no matter where she is, who she is with, I wish she's always happy, healthy, and pretty. "Good nite Jen!"

being thất tình

damn, today is so gloomy. That's abnormal Cali weather for June. I'm so thất tình ...lol


caffeine diet is still on, went to bed early last night, waking up early today, feeling gud...day 2

The only piano song I know

Bored, sneak in my brother room, messing with his piano, playing Fur Elise


still on caffeine diet

My caffeine addiction ...commitment to quit day 1

I have a very bad habit :(
I keep drinking Energy drinks, starbucks, coke, or pepsi...and end up couldn't going to sleep. Stay up late until 3,4,5am then waking up very late in the morning and constantly feel tired from the hang over. Energy drinks are the worst. They are poison. They increase chance of having heart attack, diabetic, kidney stones, blocking calcium uptake to build bones, weakening muscle tissues, and last but not least...feeling horny lol

I understand all those negative affects, but I can't hold it, keep buying energy drinks every time I stop by a gas station. I drank so many, so that I have 3 big trash bags full of empty energy cans. I need to make a commitment to myself to quit energy drinks, or any caffeine drinks for that matters. Begin from today 3:40am Friday, June 2009 my caffeine diet begins...do it or die!

Minh Minh singling singing blink-a-blink

Grow up

What is time? Why can't we stop it? Why can't rewind time? Why can't I go back to the time when I was a little kid, playing on the field with my brother, and cousins. Running with the kite, chasing grasshopper, throwing firecrackers...go back to the time of simple life, no high tech device, no cellphone, no laptop, no cars, no HDTV, no bills...
But of course, time doesn't stop, and will never be. I'm now drowning in the ocean of loneliness. Feel like I need someone to talk to, but then I have nothing to tell, just need someone to hold hand and walk along the ocean, the ocean of loneliness. And yet, I'm stressing out right now. Life, love, and career.

As my dad developed heart failure recently, I feel stuck. Stuck in the depressing state, even though I try to be optimistic as much as I can, try to make my mom laugh. But I know once my dad's heart disease strikes again, my mom won't be laughing any more. She will cry, cry until she ran out of tears and probably gone away with my dad. Then I'll be here, in my room of an empty house, by myself with the sound silence and breathless. I guess that's how life is. I can't be a kid any more. I need to grow up. I need to create my own life, my own motivation and purpose of life, a reason to live for.
Làm gì thì làm, bây giờ đi ngủ trước cái hả

Letter to my grandchildren

" Dear grandchildren,
As of today May 28th of 2009, we haven't invented a time machine yet. Ours current technology is still not intelligent enough to create a time hole to communicate back and forth in time. So if you (my grand kids) receive this message, don't be hesitate to send me the invention of time machine. Or at least send me the lottery number for tomorrow so I can win the lottery tomorrow lol"

lol, I think people would call me crazy if they read this, but I think time machine will never exist, or at least in my life-time because if it does, I would go back in time to enhance my life, or I'll leave a will for my grandkids to do it lol. Or maybe, I don't have grandchildren, or maybe the world is ending soon (2012?), or maybe I will die young :(, or maybe I will always be single forever :(... But there is must be some actions to initiate the concept.

As for pursuing my dream, it's a shame to say that I like acting but I don't know where to initiate it. My brother laughed at me when I told him I want to move to LA and pursue a career in acting. My mom laughed at me when I told her I like acting. My grandma & auntie would be very disappointed in me if I ever told them I like acting. They always want me to be "bac si, ky su, nha si" as it's a typical traditional Viet goals, and I'm very sick of it. But I'm afraid to loose my fear, the fear I always have when I'm in a big social group. The fear of leaving my home and the comfort of my own family blanket. The fear that I wouldn't be able to survive in street LA by myself with no friend, no connection, no money. Fear that I'm going to be a nameless actor like thousands of others actors and actresses. Fear that I have nothing to offer, no experience. Fear that I can't support my family, especially my parents as they are getting older every day and I can't provide a stable financial support. Fuck this current situation! Fucking hate it! Fucking hate myself keep procrastinating and day dreaming. Fuck life! fuck Jlo for calling me a nerd. Fucking hate her! Fucking miss her! Geez I wish I can hold her right now, hold her tight, stare at her eyes and feel her lip awww...life, love, education, what a mess! fuck me!

Terminator Salvation

So I've just watched the new Terminator Salvation movies. It was great! I have been a big fan of Terminator for years. The first Terminator came out 25 years ago, before I was born lol. Somewhat the idea of machines taking control over human is so interesting. However, dispiriting the fact that Terminator Salvation did a fantastic job on visual effects, the acting wasn't much entertaining. I miss the old Terminator-Arnold Schwarzenegger, who became California governor. Lol, I couldn't believe that a Hollywood actor who was on steroid most of the time can become a state governor. I like his acting, it's always ironiclly rediculusly funny like "Talk to the hand" and "I'll be back" hahaha so classic! And while browsing around on YouTube, watching Arnold's legacy, somehow a video of a girl came up lol. Now, I don't know who the hell is this girl below, but I find her very attractive, sexy, funny, and a little blunt (blunt is word I learned from a girl name Nancy)
http://www.youtube.com/v/Ijk-JqPB3Y4

WTF, what the hell is wrong with women? Women always like big purple eyes, they look so scary to me like black eye. I guess women put make-up on just to show off with other women, not for men. Oh well, but something about watching this girl putting on make-up is so sexy. I feel like I'm a magic mirror in from of her lol

My first blog

I don't know how long I will keep up with this blogging thing, it feels so gay lol but wtf who cares? This is my own get-away-kingdom of my spotless mind :). I don't know. I guess it feels more private and independent this way, better than sending a long message and force someone to read lol like I usually do to Mi` Ly :)

I bought a new tiny laptop that comes with a webcam, hopefully I can use it to record my own singing video (haha so gay) but I haven't recieve it yet. Fucking retarded online store which didn't give me a tracking for the shipment. They say they gonna send me a tracking number 24h before the laptop come to my house, wtf? WOW, It feels so good when I'm cursing cuz I never curse anyone....fuck, what the fuck, fuck fuck fucking fucking fuck hahaha

Lol, my blogs will be more of boring, depressing, nasty, dirty, sinful thoughts than nice things (except for singing) but that's the whole point of blogging right? Anyway, I know I'm gonna be drunk tomorrow cuz I'm having a company meeting in a bar lol. I'm sooo ready to be wasted! Good nite!