More than life

I feel weird lately; feel like I'm being left out of the fast lane of life; feel sick about people, feel disgusted; fee like the older people get, the dirtier they are. When people were a little kids, they will play with any toys they like, play with any kids there were surrounded, but the older they get, the more picky they are. They only play with certain that seem "cool" and to be cool, playing with drugs, sex, love, races, clubs, swing club, money, being fake, materialistic, social classes...I feel left out because I don't belong to any of them. I feel like I belong to an ideal humanity world which only exist in novels and movies; feel like I want to have a fantasy life by joining a motion picture, but there are too much to sacrifices and risks :(

Not the One

I haven't been on a date for years... (omg, I've been jacking off for too long lol)
Anyway, my recent hanging-out was considered and good date. I took her out to watch a scary movies becuz my instinct was telling me "Take her to a scary movies so you can lent her your shoulder to lean on" lol ...is that considered cheating? lol No I don't think so. I just wanted to create a chance for us to be close together, to be more physically attatched to each other and break away all the shyness.

Anyhow, it went pretty well. But then, it still doesn't feel right; it doesn't feel as happy as it supposed to be; it doesn't make me smile when I think about her; it doesn't feel like the weird feelings that I used to have...feel like it's NOT the One :(

Baby Daddy

Literally, everyone I know, are having babies. My oldest friend (29) is pregnant and having her third child, while she doesn't have a job and her husband is an alcoholic and an abuser...My friend from school is having her first child, while she is still struggling with school, and working part-time with minimum paid job...My friend/co-worker who I know for about a year, is excited that his gf didn't pass the pregnancy test and that he is going to be a daddy, while he is just working with a low-paying job like I do ...lol

I'm sad now cuz I want to be a daddy too...lol I just feel like being left behind in the process of "life". But at the same time I'm glad; thanks Gods I'm not a daddy yet. Omfg! what the hell are these people thinking? Why the hell are they having babies when they don't have a stable life? stable income? stable relationship? stable place to live? It's a new life, a new creation we are talking about, not just a product of two heterosexual people who kiss kiss bang bang carelessly without condoms. I guess people never think about the future, never care about what worst things can happen in the long run, never prepare for their offspring ...and they seem to have a happier life than me who keep planning too much for the future :(